Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
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ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
🤣🤣🤣
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.