Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
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(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?