Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
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My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
mood
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
*sewing*
A thread
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*