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Education is vital
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone