“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.