Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
“I FIXED IT!”
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.