My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
You Might Also Like
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.