Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area