HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
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Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
i- i did not expect this
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles