The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.