Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.