I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
You Might Also Like
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?