Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
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People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I finally found a reason to live again.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t