“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
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Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Try and stop me.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Cheer up.