Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor