My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
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*lint rolls you awake*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.