The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
You Might Also Like
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no