Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
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ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Finally!
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.