Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.