I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣