I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.