Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
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You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Watermelon Boss!
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Best mom ever 😂
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare