[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
You Might Also Like
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.