Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
#gardening
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.