i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.