My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
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People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
me
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
decorating my apartment
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself