Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]