Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
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Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Love is in the air fryer.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.