No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
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I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
peeping toms
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]