My son 馃檵馃徑鈥嶁檪锔弚as SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 馃槏 I told him they were water. 馃挦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
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Things will get butter, keep churning
I need better friends
[creation of trees]
god: when it鈥檚 warm you鈥檒l be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it鈥檚 cold they鈥檒l all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My eye keeps twitching. I鈥檓 no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
him: damn girl you鈥檙e hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I鈥檓 sorry.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she鈥檚 gone completely insane RUN!!
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes