Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.