Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
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DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
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Comfort is No Laughing Matter™