Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
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Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials