You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
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*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph