“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance