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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids: