Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”