4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
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Happy Halloween 🎃
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
True
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Don’t snitch tag.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Does beer think about me too?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.