Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
That lamp looks PISSED.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner