Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
You Might Also Like
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
CRYING
Muppet Screams
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.