My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I missed you with all my darts
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Air conditioning – not a fan
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.