[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.