Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.