Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
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Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
technically true but not a great slogan
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”