Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!