If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Seems kinda suspicious
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Bringing home a sharpie
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I need better friends
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.