My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I’ll be mad as hell!
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”