Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
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Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Every work meeting this week
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.