I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.