C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
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[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s